Blog Every Day August: 8/30

I am in a precarious good mood. Does that make sense? My mood is lifted, yet I feel like depression could slink in, yank at my coattails and toss me back down again at any moment. This is about as good as it gets.

Separating today into parts isn't working so well in my head. Bits and pieces flutter through my thoughts, unwilling to cling coherently to words. I said words to Dobbin today. We were in the same group in class (hahahahahahahahaha yes) and he said something at the end of class and then I said something and then I proclaimed myself to be a magical ninja to the teacher and left. Then he came into the library during eighth period with his class and I had to stop myself from hyperventilating madly while partitioning off laminated posters. And he keeps looking at me? I don't know.

My sister wisely told me that I might should stop thinking about him so much. I just got defensive at this suggestion. It isn't like I wake up every morning with the idea "ZOMG I get to think about DOBBIN TODAY oh yeah!!!!!" My thoughts are haywire as it is.

Irony: discussing conflict resolution/how to act in a disagreement while forced into a group with your ex-boyfriend.

Him: I'll write it down.

Me: I already wrote it down.

Him: Well never mind then.

[please insert really weird eye contact here, oh my God]

I'm a f*ding*ing ninja.

That felt appropriate for some reason.

Notable events, notable events... Teachers like me. I don't even know. Well, I do. I must reverberate "I'm a cool kid" vibes or something. Maybe I just do the work, unlike the majority population, but I find it hard to believe this could be the only reason. Surely some people do it, as well, though I do not have statistics on this. In English our teacher, One Who Is Addressed By His Initials, tried to switch a test date on us and argued that no, he hadn't set the date for Wednesday. It was always Tuesday. Yet, when I had it written out in my planner as Wednesday and he observed this, he said "okay, because Katherine is the only one I trust, I'll give you this one."

I repeat: I am a f*ding*ing ninja.

I know, internet. First I reveal to you the fact that I flip myself off in mirrors, then I throw expletives all over the place. It must be a lot to handle. It's getting me a bit hot and bothered, too, if you must know.

At work today I felt like I was doing everything wrong. The Mighty And Magical library staff seemed out of sorts to me, which led me to worry that they were mad at me or I was a failure at Life. If I don't have instruction I go straighten books on shelves and hope that if they need me they'll say something. Tomorrow I work until eight for the first time. Please Lord thank you help me.

Then I came home. Other bits happened. Then I sat here and promptly discovered this. THE BEST. It doesn't feel that simple, but it helps. I'm trying here.

Also awesome: THIS. Also this, which I frequently orchestrate dance parties to. And my lovely wonderful friend Erin. And breathing. Caffeine. Many things.

I don't want BEDA to end. I am seriously contemplating blogging more regularly after this experience. Who wants to hold me to that? I could use a keeper.

For some reason that last sentence makes me giggle.

Blog Every Day August: 8/29

It is about time that I ready myself for sleep. I sprawled on the couch with homemade pizza, a comfy blanket and a cheesy old movie for a bit, sleep a tempting fancy. Yet here I am a few moments later, writing for You. Grumble grumble. You're ruining my life.

Or something like that. That was a joke, mostly.

Now I sit here at ye old computer, yawning and racking my brain for Exciting Things to tell you. Today was another blah day. There are occurrences I could chatter about, in theory, but this would take brain power to churn out in a pleasing way. I mean, considering said happenings were not particularly sparkly or interesting.

I feel like I should tell you a story or something. The only things I can think of are pretty self-incriminating and mostly include flipping myself off in a mirror and then tripping over my own feet. True story. My counselor, upon hearing of Interesting Things on Friday: "God has a sense of humor, doesn't He?"

Yes.

Blog Every Day August: 8/28

I'm in a really bad mood right now. I can't even say why, exactly. It's Saturday. Maybe it's that I don't have any friends who I can, you know, poke in the face or something. Maybe it's that I'm feeling purposeless. Sure, I could be doing things. I could be researching colleges or studying for the SAT or freaking out about other stuff, but I can't imagine any of those things would improve my demeanor much.

Yesterday I sat alone in that senior class meeting with two empty tables beside me. No one sat near me as all the other tables in the cafeteria filled. And it just reminds me how alone I am. I'm not completely alone, no. But... how do I make friends, anyway? I have always done so in a painstakingly slow manner. No one needs me.

Haven't heard from my father since I called him on Father's Day. He pops up unexpectedly. He used to send GPS notifications that emailed me a map of where he was. This is how I learned he'd moved at one point. Why thanks. I blocked them, the notifications, eventually. They just hurt me. He's passive aggressive. Says hurtful things so they creep up on you and leave you doubting whether it has actually happened, so that you can't say anything... because they're so small or slyly pressed upon you. As a child I unknowingly set up defense mechanisms within myself. I thought that if I were perfect--well, that might fix everything. My parents never insisted I make perfect grades, yet I felt that if I didn't my world would fall apart. I saw him very rarely. He'd come home from work, watch tv in his study and emerge only for meals. I'd pop in for a moment before bed to say goodnight. This is what I saw of my father, until the very end, unless for some reason we went on a trip... which was always an excruciating experience.

I have no real 'reason' for bringing this up now. It's one of those things I contemplate when I'm upset. The last time I saw him was two days before Dobbin broke up with me. We were visiting my grandparents and my grandmother invited him, and he showed up. For some reason he didn't think my mother would be there. He left after a few hours, proclaiming the situation awkward. Way to spend time with your kids. When I'm around him, I freeze up. Every thing I've ever thought to say disappears and I'm the perfect daughter again, trying desperately not to make waves. Often I'll cry later. He'll have said something, something small but still existent and it just eats away at me. I can't defend myself. I pretend everything is fine fine fine. And next to my mother and sister, I am the only one who can talk to him coherently. So then it's my job to smooth things out, to keep the ship from sinking.

That weekend I was very upset. I told Dobbin I didn't feel safe, and he told me that I was safe with him. How can you do that to a person? How can you tell someone in utter turmoil things like this, then smash them to pieces forty eight hours later? I still want answers. And I talk about this a lot, with increasing frequency this week due to sightings, but it still hurts. I feel silly, going on and on about it. I do.

Am I supposed to forgive? Is that the answer here? Because it doesn't feel like it to me. I feel taken advantage of in both of these situations, though with my father it has always been of issue. With Dobbin, it took me completely by surprise. My mother wasn't too wary of him, either. There was always that skepticism, yes, but I am often skeptical. And maybe it's not supposed to be a big deal. But it's a process, or some such utterance. I can only keep going, and sometimes I have to feel really sorry for myself and sleep a lot. Is this right? Who knows. I still have hope. Dobbin isn't the huge issue, really, but my father. My father's the one I may always have to deal with, or try to a certain extent. But Dobbin looms closer right now. Dobbin I chose to let into my life, at least to the point that I felt comfortable with, and then... there was no logic. I still want logic.

Which is an overarching problem in my life, I suppose.

I will be okay. I will be okay. I will be okay.

Blog Every Day August: 8/27

Why do I think about Dobbin so much? He is hardly worth this effort.

The last time I

wore this skirt

it was for him

and I remember that night

in fuzzy picture memories

romanticized twilight

and standing up against a railing

and taking your hand

and holding it there

and you were lost in other things,

as I told you where the quotes the proud graduates

read aloud

were from

and the breeze, and

the world dimming

turning my head away

as you looked at me,

fussing with my

skirt against the wind

Your curved smile

and your words,

you wanted to cry

as your friends went out into the world

and somehow I knew

this would be

what I

remembered.

Silly teenage girl poetry? Why yes. Stream of consciousness, straight from my teenage girl journal. I promise I don't usually write like this. This blog should be some proof, hopefully. I was sitting in our senior class meeting and feeling pessimistic. Nine months from tomorrow, we graduate. What? This place leaves me feeling alienated and alone, often. I am not excited about graduating. It isn't the shiny beautiful present for me that it is for so many. I haven't grown up with these people, and most of them want nothing to do with me.

I am optimistic, mostly, but these are truths as I see them. And as much as I hate that I think about Dobbin so much, it is what it is. Maybe it was two months ago. Maybe he was just some boy, not worth my time. But... something. And now I have to see him every day and it makes me angry that he is now in my bubble, in my life even in this peripheral way. Because I felt like periphery around him most of the time. And I still want to find logic in all of this. I still do.

In Psychology today I had the urge to burst out laughing as the teacher spoke. "This class," he said, "can act as a safe haven for you, where you can come and not be scared over what people might say. Say someone is a jerk to you, and they are in this class. You really don't want to be around them. They're a jerk to you, but you're nice to them anyway. It's like they say: fake it til you make it." Or some such blatherings. The teacher seems like a nice enough guy, honestly, but this discussion left me muttering to myself in hysterics. Things to come: group work! Oh, goody.

On Fridays staff/teachers are allowed to wear jeans with a school t-shirt, but I don't own such a shirt yet... unfortunately enough. I wore a cute skirt instead and my "boss" (I guess? The head librarian, who is really really cool and nice) said I looked "very nice" today. It made me happy. Dressing up is proving fun.

ALSO: I love the library. True facts. I hope the feeling lasts. So much fun. Yesterday I was formatting a table to check off the magazines we've received each month and it was supremely exciting to me. Problem solving! How can I format this so it doesn't explode? It's like playtime for Katherine! It's still kind of scary, working, but they're so nice and libraries and librarians are awesome.

You know who I also love? Teachers. Teachers are the best. I get tingly thinking about it.

And stuff.

Later: My awkwardness is so beautiful. Sigh.

Blog Every Day August: 8/26

Irony is beautiful. At this point it's either laugh or cry, as many things in my life come to. Today my schedule change was confirmed, moving my work periods to seventh and eighth and exchanging eighth period Animation with fourth period Psychology. I was relieved to find that I still have A Lunch, meaning I can still eat lunch with my sister. Otherwise I would have no one to sit with. These are just facts.

Following lunch today, I entered Psychology class for the first time and found a seat. And a few minutes later, Dobbin entered as well. I almost wasn't surprised. Terrible irony follows me. Then, of course, we were all asked to stand at the front of the class and speak about ourselves for sixty seconds. He was sitting front and center. Best sixty seconds of my life. Obviously. I read from my notes and shook a lot. I refuse to look at or acknowledge him in any way. Obsessive notes: the two times I've spoken and clapping has been expected, he has clapped. The three times he's spoken and clapping has been expected, I have not clapped. I have looked the other way or acted as if he didn't exist. This is my approach in general. Or I'm trying. Whether this is the right approach is something I'm unsure of. Is there even a right way? I'm so confused.

This stuff is so hard. It isn't like I really want to look at him. But my bubble regarding him is being seriously invaded. And of course, all I want to do is scream at him. But it's over. It's over. This has been over for longer than it existed, but in my defense: I sat next to the guy for almost eight months before this happened. Also just because. It makes me angry that I have to be mature about this, that I can't yell or give him the finger or something. But I don't do stuff like that. I am somewhat irrational in thought, rational in action, and it drives me crazy.

I wish I could yell. I wish it were allowed. But I'm the bigger person or something.

One cool thing, though: many of my peers said they considered themselves nerds when they spoke.

Tomorrow I leave work early for my appointment with my counselor. Need to work out better times. Work is good. I think. I'm enjoying it, though it's kind of scary. Friday is also the day staff/teachers are allowed to wear jeans, but only with a "spirit shirt," and I don't own one yet. Oh well. Next week, maybe. "Fancy" clothes are kind of fun, if a bit uncomfortable sometimes.

I do not understand math, and we're still on review. It is scary. My Economics teacher makes it seem interesting. I have to read a boring thing for AP English by Wednesday. Supposedly we're destined to fail but he's grading on the bell curve to show us how it works... so maybe I won't fail? I hope not. Teachers are really nice to me. Work chitchat is weird in that it's a bit fake, but somehow uplifting. By saying "I'm good thank you, how are you?" I can sort of trick myself into believing it. And often I am good. Anyway. It's distracting, in a good way. So far. Watched a cheesy video in Physics. We gained a student in Career Prep who I've always found really nice; she was in my English class last year and is in there this year, as well.

That felt like a really weird paragraph.

And I need to do other things ahhhh SAT standardized tests college other stuff. I feel like I have to make the subjects taboo for the moment, or else drive myself up the wall. Taking things one thing at a time is difficult for me.

Blog Every Day August: 8/25

Day three of school complete. This blog has been a bit of a fail recently. You probably love me anyway. For which, you know, I'm grateful. Let's see what my scattered thoughts have to offer you this evening.

Drawing a blank.

Our classes are forty-five minutes long. There are eight of them, with an advisory between first and second periods and two lunch periods dependent on one's fourth period class. School begins at 7:50 and ends at 3:45. My alertness kicks in around 1 pm. It's pretty beautiful. Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays I work in the library until 4:30. On Tuesdays and Thursdays I work until 8:00. I also work two class periods; at the moment fourth and seventh, but it's set to change to seventh and eighth. I feel as if I might curse it by saying this, being that today was only day three, but I'm loving the library so far. They're so nice! And I do cool stuff!

As I say, my schedule is set to be fixed. They put me in Animation, where ye old Dobbin is also, when I was supposed to be in Psychology. The Career Prep teacher/coordinator worked magic and it is supposed to be changed. With magic. My only worry now is what lunch period I will have, as it could very well change when my schedule does. There are pros and cons to A Lunch, which I've been going to so far. The pro is that my sister has this lunch. The con is that Dobbin does also. But whatever. He can go die. I don't know. He has become a bigger issue since his existence is now regularly crossing mine. Being mature sucks. WHY CAN I NOT YELL AT YOU? Deep breaths. I'm okay. This too shall pass. Maybe.

First period I have Career Prep. So far we have a walloping four students in there. Two of us have jobs, the other two are looking. Taking Career Prep/Work Co-Op allows you to have work periods, also, and gain credits for that time. Pretty cool. I like that it's first period. I also like that there are so few of us, though that will probably change soon enough. Apparently the teacher's fourth period has thirty students in it. Eek?

Advisory. I'm supposed to turn in forms. The thing is, one of the forms confirms I've received a Student Handbook. But I never received one, so I can hardly confirm this, can I? Also forms are annoying and I'm putting it off. The teacher of this advisory is a Spanish teacher. Fun fact: I have my (required) two language credits in Italian. They (surprise, surprise!) don't have Italian here, so I can't get a third language credit so I look awesome. Oh well. Also notable is the fact that the only Italian I have managed to retain is the ability to ask for ice-cream. It's useful.

Second period, Physics. A mixture of Juniors and Seniors. New (to the school, at least) teacher, seems nice enough. He's kind of... attractive. Not in a way that I would ever actually be attracted to him, but he's nice looking. A red head. Um. There is another male teacher on the same hall, however, that is quite attractive. Not relevant. Anyway. At the moment we're doing lab safety. Oh! And yesterday we learned about one another by writing down and reading aloud facts about ourselves. I counted four girls in a row listing their favorite book as Twilight. It made my heart sad.

Third period, Pre-Cal. Math and I are not friends. Sure, I have always passed. Sure, my worst report card grade was a (traumatizing) C+ in fourth grade. I like it when I understand it, but this is rare. As I took Algebra II in a hasty computer course last semester, I am worried. The teacher is pretty goofy, but he knows it. And owns it. I don't know what students think of him, but I can tell you that he would be easy to taunt were his attitude different. So that's cool. Still worried about math, though. Gosh. Math is SCARY.

Lunch. Sit with sister/ignore Dobbin and attempt not to hyperventilate as he passes by. Maybe I'm anal, but I keep thinking he's staring at me. So. hard. not. to. yell. and. ack. go. away. Lunch is boring, honestly. I'd rather be in the library, but it seems a little weird considering I work there now. We'll see.

Fourth, work at the moment. Set to change to Psychology.

Fifth, AP English. The same teacher I had last year. He's middle-aged but has been teaching for so long here that he is now teaching the granddaughter of one of his students. He's cool in a weird way. Difficult to explain. He's a bit of a legend and is addressed as his initials. Also notable, I wrote an essay last year on which he wrote: "reads like a good blog." I wasn't sure what to make of this.

Sixth, Economics. I really like the teacher. My descriptions are failing me now, but he makes the subject seem interesting. Maybe I'll retract that last statement, but his personality is cool and something. It seems like one of those deals where I'll be the only student to say anything, but we'll see. Dobbin's brother is in this class. I know very little of the guy, yes, but it's tempting to say uncharitable things about him anyway. I guess I won't, but my perception of him isn't good. Would it be completely inappropriate to say that he's more attractive than Dobbin? That's really mean of me. Maybe it's a defense mechanism. But, as for something possibly relevant, when Dobbin and I first "got together" I spoke to his (then) girlfriend and our conversation went something like this: Her: "Yeah, I know I'm dating [dude] and everything, but I never know what's going on." Me: "I wonder if it runs in the family."

Seventh, work. Should stay that way. Eighth, Animation at the moment, should change to a work period also. If anything, this will eliminate constantly clocking in and out. Probably other things.

I can't decide whether this blog post has been a fail or not. Um. See you tomorrow.

Blog Every Day August: 8/24

Today was a day. Second day of school and work. Work is going well, I think. School is school. The teacher who runs the work co-op program is helping me get my schedule fixed; if all goes as it should I will no longer be in a class with Dobbin, as I wasn't meant to be in the class in question in the first place. Thank goodness. Unless he's in Psychology, as well... in which case the irony will be a sight to behold.

I'm tired. Big day, and I haven't even been given homework yet. Fellow humans were yelling earlier and ahh. But the library is so fun. A few of my peers have been friendly to me. Actively ignoring Dobbin is a pain. I get all shaky and probably appear angry or something, though my attempt is to be stone cold. He is dead to me. Though, you know, not quite exactly in my head yet. Deep breaths, keep moving. Still very behind on the BEDAs of my buddies. Tired. Love you and things.