Giving thanks.

My excuses are the same, varying in their frequency. I'm tired. I'm overwhelmed by the slightest of changes and expectations, and the fact that there is so much ground I could cover in this blog leaves me wanting to curl up into a ball and nap forever.

So I won't. I won't try to explain it all.

I haven't seen or heard from my father in six months; word on the street (I amuse myself) is that he will be at my grandparents' on Christmas day, which is where my brethren and I will be on Christmas day, which positively thrills me to bits. (And I may use "six months" as a great divider of time and responsibility, but this visit in and of itself was coincidental. Fun story.)

My first instinct here is to go into defensive mode and attempt to justify every action or decision I've ever made regarding my father. I realize that this is impossible, however, and will leave you with this instead:

I am, understandably, bitter. He left. I have never been treated as I deserve to be, and it still hurts me. I am in counseling, and that has helped. I am facing my problems. I am beginning to believe in myself. But this isn't a "Get Rich Quick!" scheme. This is my life, and the process is slow going. In the mean time, I have a mother who loves me. I have friends who care for me, as I do them. I have a house to live in and a best friend I'm grateful for.

I have a "promising future." I have a job working in my school's library until the end of the school year; I have grown to love it, and each day is an opportunity to prove to myself that I am a useful human being. I am continually amazed by the fact that I have this job and my bosses are awesome and I am useful. I may gripe about it occasionally (generally when I'm tired), but I'm truly grateful for my job and what it has brought me.

I had considered scrapping this post, having no grand moral to impart to you, but a few moments ago I ventured out of my housecavelandofcomputer to check for today's mail, and my first college acceptance letter has arrived. I know it is expected. I know that I am an intelligent young woman with excellent grades, and there is no reason I shouldn't be accepted to any college I apply to. Knowing this is different than feeling it, however, and to have tangible confirmation of this is relieving.

And for this moment, there are good things.

I have difficulty giving thanks. I am a generally overwhelmed human being, and holidays make me mopey. But I am, in a roundabout and work-in-progress way, thankful.

Thank you, all of you. You have become my friends, and for that I am always grateful. Thank you for you.