For reasons unbeknownst to me, I feel now more than ever that whatever I put forth will be judged. I fear people will hate me for my words, for my scattered and uncertain thoughts. I have taken to saying nothing.
I don't know anything.
Not true, in theory, but it is how I feel at this point in my life.
It is easier to say nothing than put into words my aimless reaching for understanding.
I feel like that all the time. I have my own unpublished blog post, which is actually very similar to this one.
ReplyDeleteAnd just so you know, I AM judging you. I have judged that you are a brave and thoughtful person for putting this out there for people like me to see.
I appreciate that you put something out there. I keep meaning to blog...and then not doing it...and then I don't even have the decency to attempt to explain myself.
ReplyDeleteRecently, a lot of people from my past/real life have been showing up, following me on Twitter or reading my blog. It makes me feel weird. I don't like having to censor myself.
My recent decision has been to say Screw It to all the people who want to peer into my life without really being a part of it, and just do what I want. Because I figure, in the end, there will be more people who actually care than people who just want to laugh at me. Maybe not. Maybe there will be more of the latter group...but they won't matter as much.
If it means anything to you at all: I will never judge you for your scattered thoughts, because they are brilliant and beautiful, and I love you<3
ReplyDeleteAlso, I think there is a beauty in committing the aimless reaching for understanding into prose. After all, it is something that everyone faces, and I can't think of anyone better than you to transform those feelings into words, because you are really good at doing that.
SO MUCH LOVE,
INSANE AMOUNTS OF LOVE,
Manar