Most days I don't attempt words. I almost don't desire them, I'm so tired; blurred emotions, like static, rub me raw as the inevitable draws closer. In less than a month I move some three hundred miles away. Should I be excited? I am, maybe, but I also feel guilty. For leaving. It doesn't feel fair that I am allowed the freedom to chase happiness when my brethren are stuck here. It could be much worse, but it also isn't to be forgotten that my familial situation has long been a special sort of hell.
More than anything, I feel sorry. I feel sorry for leaving. I feel sorry that I can't be the answer to anyone's problems.
This is the best thing for me, the leaving. I'm not happy here. I can't be happy here, no matter how I might try. It's right that I'm leaving.
I still can't make myself believe these words.
I feel sorry for that, too.
Well, it's only natural that you want your loved ones to have the same chance at happiness as you. <3 It's good that you care about them enough to feel that.
ReplyDeleteBut, you know, it's also not your responsibility to take care of everyone. Ultimately, you're just a kid, and you need to allow yourself the opportunity to truly enjoy life. It's nothing to be guilty about. :)
But, of course, I get it. The world's just unfair that way, what with never letting everyone have happiness and such. :/
Anyway, I LOVE YOU. And I, quite selfishly, cannot wait for you to be in my land, so that I can glomp you irl. :D
I totally get the "I feel sorry for leaving" bit.
ReplyDeleteThere are times when I don't know how my mum gets by. She's sprained her ankle now, and has been having issues getting around.
I know she's a really strong person and can take care of herself, but it scared me when I left.