I often (almost always, of late) avoid writing because I feel that I am required to maintain a certain image. I feel that I am meant to be in a certain place and am expected fit into a guideline; the few words that occur to me are distinct only in their disjointedness and lack of zest.
I didn't expect to find happiness here immediately and I haven't. Do I expect to get there eventually? Yes and... yes? I hate complaining, for it feels unnecessarily whiny and disrespectful of the trials of others. Look at me! College is so hard! I miss my mom and I want to cry all the time but can't let myself!
But it's true. I'm not happy. I do miss my mom. I've set the most potent of my emotions on the back burner, which plays a big part in the fact that I don't know what to say when asked how I am. A great deal of the time I don't feel anything.
I say these things without wishing to be overdramatic. I want to press that I will be okay. I mean, probably. As terrifying as stasis is to me (it demands disaster), I always find it again.
As for happiness? I'm starting to lose the idea that happiness is something one finds. A dear friend told me many months ago: "[Happiness] is not a location, not a prize. It's inside of you, already." This remains one of the best things anyone has ever told me.
I'm not giving up. I'm just... very much overwhelmed. Sad. Shaken. Tired. And entitled to these feelings, as lacking in poetry as they are.
There is nothing wrong with feeling sad and no requirement to fake happiness. (With the possible exception of not breaking down every time random people ask "How are you?" as you pass by. If that's happening, I suggest meds. ;) )
ReplyDeleteBut seriously, happiness is not an achievement or a place you find; your friend is right. I also think it's a process that starts with knowing what you really want and that takes time.
The first months in college and away from home are the worst. It is important to not let it consume you. Go out, meet people, join something, etc. I'm sure this speech was shoved down your throat a thousand times already but 1001 can't hurt right? Finding a new normal sucks, but that's the adventure!
ReplyDeletekatherine katherine kat kat katherine katie kathy katherine kit kitkat katkat katerine katherine katty kat kitty kat katherine k kay katherine k kt katy katherine
ReplyDeleteSORRY I JUST CAN'T RESIST MAKING INCOMPREHENSIBLE COMMENTS ON YOUR BLOG
ReplyDeleteIn Realtalk: I love you<3 I am selfishly pleased with the current situation of you being Here, because I get to SEE YOU AND THINGS. But obviously, you have reasons to be unhappy, and THAT'S COOL (well, actually, it's rather uncool, but, you get what I mean). I am confident that you will feel watermelon eventually. :)
Who told you that drivel about happiness being inside you? It's only partly true, because the hot-fudge sundae isn't INSIDE you until you're done with it.
ReplyDeleteCollege is a period of time in which you go through so many changes most of which are not academic. I can relate to what you feel now. I felt the same. But it dies get better. In fact, it gets great! My best memories are not of my first year nut if those after. Hang in there & treat yourself to some ice cream! BTW happy will find you. When you least expect it.
ReplyDeleteI disagree with Holly & your friend regarding happiness.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Freud: The very best sort of happiness can only be had when there is "a sudden satisfaction of needs" that have been pent up for some time.
Life is a continuous adventure, full of different things that make us happy on many different levels ... Inside you, nah. Learning what you want, sort of but not so much.
Lastly physically your hormones are in charge and will be throughout your life ... As a woman they dictate so much & there is not much you can do but navigate through it as best you can.
Enjoy the freedom to explore all the things college offers, that intrigue you. That's what I enjoyed & gained so much happiness from. Once you graduate that freedom will be limited. I took an elective class in theater makeup & met the most wonderful people - So much fun!
I'm envious of your future ... Hope you spend some quality time with your mom. Onward! =^..^=