"We are so used to releasing words. We don't know what to do with them if they stay."
The Realm of Possibility
David Levithan
In government class I fashion cootie catchers from purple post it notes and stack them one on top of the other as the class discussion goes on around me. Whenever I speak the girl behind me sighs deeply as if to say omfg why is she even talking. No one cares. So I stop. The teacher notices and I say, quietly, that I don't want to say things anymore because people might hate me. I tell myself it doesn't matter if they do, but they stare at me enough to set me on edge, and it is obvious that I am the sole person in this room to give a flying llama about anything he's been saying.
This week the indifference of my peers wears at me like iron wool against skin. I'm tired of people. I can't stand them. I have always been the only one caring.
And I can't win, because I hate it when they care. I don't tell people about my life because they're always so sorry for me. People want to fix my life for me, and their useless suggestions do nothing but break my heart.
I can almost convince myself that I'm okay. I freeze my feelings into numbness because I can deal with not feeling. Feelings are inconvenient. These feelings represent memories I cannot pull apart to find reason. When I feel this deeply I step away from those who might care about me. I want nothing but to keep away because they don't deserve my incoherence, they don't deserve my brokenness, and they don't deserve this utter fucking mess of a thought process I've landed myself with.
I don't want you to understand. You can't. I push you away because people leave me when I'm vulnerable. I push you away because it's all I know how to do.
"Hey Katherine," the teacher says as I double back from my locker after class. He nods. "Thank you for all your hard work in class today."
I nod, mumble a you're welcome.
I wish this were enough.
*hugs* Hey girl. Look you might be right. I can't understand but regardless, I'm here for you. Feelings can be stupid. I know this. I've been having my own issues with them. Don't give up. You'll be out of there soon. You'll be with people who actually care soon.
ReplyDeleteThe song 'Hate Everyone' by Say Anything always makes me feel better on days like these. It's very self-indulgent, has some wonderfully immature and crass (and yet so perfect) lyrics, and the video is just the band trashing things. Which is what I want to do sometimes. Just freak out and break stuff. But I don't, because, you know, composure.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if I'm allowed to post links in comments, or if that shoots me into the spam section. But you can just toss this on the end of youtube.com and get your angry on! (If you're interested.)
I hate everyone!
/watch?v=QQd7_HqR900
I will catch up on new blogs as soon as I can!! But for now, I just wanted to share a TIDBIT about Alive With the Glory of Love. Max Bemis (the singer-genius-man) wrote that song for/about his grandparents, who were Holocaust survivors. Also, he is very Jewish. That is all!! FOR NOW. :D
ReplyDeleteYou know, I have found myself going through a serious bout of misanthropy myself lately. I feel like more or less everyone frustrates me for some reason or another.
ReplyDeletePerhaps tis the season for angst. :)
Anyway, I hope that things get better, and I love you!