" 'Why, it's a model of the True Love. . . we sailed her down the coast of Maine and back the summer we were married. My, she was yar.'
'Yar? What's that mean?'
'It means, uh... oh, what does it mean? Easy to handle, quick to the helm, fast, bright... everything a boat should be, until she develops dry rot.' "
Tracy Lord
This has been a really bad week. Next week will be worse.
So many things are going bad or badly. There is nothing I can do about it but sit, and deal, and sit. There is nothing I can control. There is nothing I can do. My family unit is on the cusp of being thrown into a turmoil I can see no end to. There is nothing I can do. It is not my fault, but there is nothing I can do.
It would be different if my father hadn't done this to us. To me. If he could see what he has done to us. To me. If he weren't doing this to us. To me.
He didn't fight for us. For me.
He isn't fighting for us. For me.
He will never fight for us. For me.
Instead he will work to our detriment. Instead we will continue to bleed for something we didn't do.
I could polish my words in careful handfuls until the bright light of them blinded and it would not, could not, change anything. My words are useless here. My Rightness is useless here.
I may be gone from this place soon, but I am not the only one living this.
A journal entry dated a year ago to the day splays words across an entire page: "IT WILL BE OKAY."
I will continue to believe it. I don't always know why, but I will.
Keep believing it sweetie. I don't know what it is, but it WILL be okay<3
ReplyDeleteI wish that you didn't have to deal with something this sucky. But you and your family will find a way through<3 I hope that things get better soon.
I love you dearly!
I've been (as you know) in the same mess since I was sixteen. It's only been very recently, at 20 years old in my second year of college, that I've realized I'm...healing? That doesn't seem to totally encompass it.
ReplyDeleteTruthfully, I didn't have any grand moment of forgiveness or acceptance concerning my father. But something happened along the way where I began to truly love myself, and who I am. A lot of that was accepting that all the awful stuff made me into this person, and that I don't have to be ashamed of that. I'm still running from a lot of it.
This probably isn't helpful, and we both know there isn't a switch we can flip to make things better. But it will start to get better. Little by little. I'm wagering college will help. Moving away, taking charge of your own self, having a chance to do the leaving (even if the physical dude isn't there to leave)... all of that helps. :)