Blog Every Day August: 8/20

I am antsy to write something. Write anything. Well, not just anything. Things pertaining to today. The thing is, I feel like it will all sound very wrong and judgmental, and I'm not quite sure how to go about it. But here we are.

Earlier this week I got a call from the teacher/coordinator/what-have-you of the Work Co-Op in which several pieces of information were passed along to me, one being the knowledge of a job training with the other student workers in her room this afternoon. So I went. Well, things happened first. My sister, mom and I walked around the school for a little bit to help orient my sister to the school. She'll be a freshman this year. Eep.

All the rooms have been moved around, but we found our first classes and I attempted to explain some things. Many of the teachers were out and about doing things, so we met several of my past teachers along the way. It made me feel so cool, because they all seemed excited to see me. Me! Gosh, it was so cool. Okay, I'm babbling. I waved to my World History teacher, who was busy, and then we came across the Aid who helped me through Algebra II in the computer lab (hallelujah!). Next we spoke to my Biology teacher, who is really really nice and I like her, and then my Geometry teacher. Lastly I said hello to my Geography teacher. Please note that I've only been here one year. I was pleased as punch.

But I've never been one to get along with students. Which is about as good a transition as any, I suppose, to the training itself. I arrived about seven minutes early, greeted the teacher, and sat down at a table with a few other student workers. The layout of the room is pretty wonky, with two full tables and a hodgepodge of desks and computers at both sides. My attempts to initiate light--ANY--conversation were deflected.

This is where I get upset, guys. Communication is so hard for me. Making friends is so hard for me. But I try. The mentality here is "if we don't know you, we don't need to know you, and will therefore ignore you because we are just that much more awesome." They have their own friends. They don't want you. You don't belong. There is this wall that I cannot penetrate because I don't belong, leaving me alone and friendly with only teachers. No one wants me, and guess what? I have a lot to offer as a friend. It may be "their loss," but it still really hurts. And so I remain silent and read in any space of downtime and have no connections, because no one gives me a chance. Maybe, if I salivated all over my peers, 'they' might deem me their 'friend.' But here we get to another point: as a result of these attitudes, I don't want to be friends with them. Also other things, like a lack of common interests or general respect, but I feel like a lot of it stems from this high and mighty attitude. I don't know you. I have my own friends. I am going to snub you. This may or may not be in their plane of awareness, but I feel it, and I have trouble believing I'm totally wrong. I am not alone in this feeling. It isn't just us feeling this, and it is everywhere here. There may even be niceties exchanged, but that air is always there. I don't know you. I have my own crowd, I have lived here for seven jillion years, you cannot join my club. I am going to snub you. Maybe it isn't a conscious decision. Maybe not. But it hurts all the same.

This training reminded me of those feelings. No one would engage with me, even for a few seconds. I am different. They don't know me. I am not their friend. Therefore, we cannot be associated with one another. It isn't as if I've just come off the street! I am cordial. I try, if that counts for anything somewhere. But at some point I draw into myself and can't try anymore, because no one I come across cares to converse with me ever. The one 'friend' I did have last year... well. Every day, for the whole year, I heard her problems and offered whatever advice or sympathy I could. I didn't mind this. I really didn't. But when I went through my own emotional turmoil, my great upset with Dobbin, her response was basically "get over it." Let me say again: I didn't mind helping her, in the way I could. But it hurt. It hurt a lot that her problems were okay to stress over and mine was cause for "getting over" it.

Which really makes me fear for humanity. I do believe there are good people out there. There may even be good people at this school, who I haven't discovered yet. And I don't mean to say that the generalities I speak of here account for everyone, or even that the mentality I perceive makes them horrible people. But when I try so hard and give all that I can only to hit this seemingly brick wall... it hurts. And what do you do? I am very lucky to have this job opportunity. I am grateful for this, and super excited (also: panicked) to learn new things and have this opportunity and things. My school counselor was very helpful with working out my credits, and I am grateful for this. There are good things happening, yes. But the overwhelming audience I get from my peers has for so long been an arrogant I don't know you. You are not my friend. Therefore, I will not speak or talk to you. Perhaps if I'm friendly enough, if I work hard enough, I will find someone who I can be friends with. But here in tiny town Texas, I begin to feel like a different species entirely.

I have deleted the rest of this blog post. Confidentiality and some such, but the gist of it is that it left a very bad taste in my mouth. Maybe I am overreacting over the demeanors of my peers at the training. Maybe I'm just sick of it, of these town-related politics and attitudes. I think it may get better once I start working and it isn't about our actions as a whole, but my own. I know I will work hard and do my best to exceed expectations, no matter how much inner confusion/turmoil this causes me. Everyone else... well. I wish I didn't feel this way about so many people. I don't want to judge them harshly, but I guess I do. Past experience has not been kind to me. Maybe when school starts everyone will magically be warm and welcoming. I would love to be able to retract all these feelings in favor of a brighter landscape. But... really. Senior year. You think they haven't all known one another since their tooth fairy days?