Blog Every Day August: 8/6

This window has been sitting open for hours, and I have been skillfully ignoring it. As was the case yesterday, I have nothing of particular interest to say. We picked up my GPA this afternoon. Maybe this is horrifically whiny/immature, but my 97.6563 (3.9) is somewhat disappointing. In my state, if you're in the top ten percent of your class, you're automatically accepted into all public universities. While I don't yet know my class rank, I've been informed I won't be in the top ten. Which shouldn't be a travesty, but then I start finding myself inadequate. Maybe it's silly. My brain messes with me.

There are only about 180 students in my graduating class. Another journey into my history: this past year I was listed as a sophomore and in many freshman/sophomore classes due to the wonkiness of my credits. So while I will be a senior next year, technically I was a sophomore last year, and am on speaking terms with exactly zero people in my actual class. Okay, that's a slight exaggeration. I was in a Junior English class last year, and spoke to exactly two people on a regular basis. One actually seemed like a potentially cool person. She gave me play-doh once. The other was the on-and-off-again boyfriend of a (freshman) acquaintance-friend I had. He threatened suicide when she broke up with him. He chews chewing tobacco, wears a cowboy hat and admits to being a racist. I do not like him. Maybe this is judgmental. I reserve this right.

Teachers generally really like me. I do all the work, and let's be honest: it isn't always completely necessary to do all the work in my school. I could have skipped several assignments a semester and seen little to no difference. I could have blown some things off, with pretty good reason, as I was so utterly overwhelmed most of the time with all my work. But I didn't. I don't. I follow all of the rules. I say very little, and what I do say is occasionally witty. Notes from teachers in yearbooks are one of my favorite things. I haven't purchased a yearbook since eighth grade, but when I look through those that I do have, the inscriptions seem so nice and heartfelt. My peers aren't always very nice to me. Maybe they aren't especially rude--I mean, I don't talk enough for them to know much about me to make fun of. I do rock a "nerd" button on my lanyard and am forced to defend nerds on a vaguely regular basis, but I don't really mind this. It seems as if they are always either unfriendly or I don't want to be associated with them or both. And of course, I spent most of my time in computer labs or freshman/sophomore classes this past year.

I don't make friends easily. I've always moved a lot. I have trust issues. My dad is emotionally abusive. He left us two years ago and has rewritten history in his head as to make himself the victim in all of this. He still supports us, but we never know if there will be trouble. I never know when he will come back into my life. When he does, I fall apart and am left upset and confused and wishing. My mother, who was forced to leave her law career behind when my dad joined the Public Health Service around the time that I was born, has been working tirelessly towards becoming a teacher. But no one is hiring. She works so hard and I cannot fix it and it... I don't know. Maybe this all sounds very self-pitying. Maybe it is. I'm sorry for that. You definitely have your own troubles, and mine are probably only interesting to me.

I've become a lot more self aware since I started seeing my counselor. I cringe looking back at the brief journal I kept last September, at how deeply panicked every small thing made me. I still have a long way to go, but realizing just how much better off I am now emotionally gives me hope. I find hope very important. There are brighter days ahead, and all that. I believe it. Some days are worse than others, but I am very fortunate to have what I do. Even in the fact that my thoughts are so many and overwhelming, I am glad they exist. I enjoy them more now that I am able to realize just how many there are, and writing is one way I can align them in distinguishable ways.

In addition to acquiring and contemplating my grade point average, today I did laundry. Somehow I actually sort of enjoy this task. I also participated in the Great Jar Mother's "Camp Twitter" and moved more of my belongings around. Organizing my many possessions has proved a bigger task than I originally anticipated. Later I will spend some more time with VoldeTread. Is it possible that I'm actually enjoying exercise?! Two weeks ago I could not do a push-up. Now I can do three. I AM IMPROVING!