Yesterday I sat alone in that senior class meeting with two empty tables beside me. No one sat near me as all the other tables in the cafeteria filled. And it just reminds me how alone I am. I'm not completely alone, no. But... how do I make friends, anyway? I have always done so in a painstakingly slow manner. No one needs me.
Haven't heard from my father since I called him on Father's Day. He pops up unexpectedly. He used to send GPS notifications that emailed me a map of where he was. This is how I learned he'd moved at one point. Why thanks. I blocked them, the notifications, eventually. They just hurt me. He's passive aggressive. Says hurtful things so they creep up on you and leave you doubting whether it has actually happened, so that you can't say anything... because they're so small or slyly pressed upon you. As a child I unknowingly set up defense mechanisms within myself. I thought that if I were perfect--well, that might fix everything. My parents never insisted I make perfect grades, yet I felt that if I didn't my world would fall apart. I saw him very rarely. He'd come home from work, watch tv in his study and emerge only for meals. I'd pop in for a moment before bed to say goodnight. This is what I saw of my father, until the very end, unless for some reason we went on a trip... which was always an excruciating experience.
I have no real 'reason' for bringing this up now. It's one of those things I contemplate when I'm upset. The last time I saw him was two days before Dobbin broke up with me. We were visiting my grandparents and my grandmother invited him, and he showed up. For some reason he didn't think my mother would be there. He left after a few hours, proclaiming the situation awkward. Way to spend time with your kids. When I'm around him, I freeze up. Every thing I've ever thought to say disappears and I'm the perfect daughter again, trying desperately not to make waves. Often I'll cry later. He'll have said something, something small but still existent and it just eats away at me. I can't defend myself. I pretend everything is fine fine fine. And next to my mother and sister, I am the only one who can talk to him coherently. So then it's my job to smooth things out, to keep the ship from sinking.
That weekend I was very upset. I told Dobbin I didn't feel safe, and he told me that I was safe with him. How can you do that to a person? How can you tell someone in utter turmoil things like this, then smash them to pieces forty eight hours later? I still want answers. And I talk about this a lot, with increasing frequency this week due to sightings, but it still hurts. I feel silly, going on and on about it. I do.
Am I supposed to forgive? Is that the answer here? Because it doesn't feel like it to me. I feel taken advantage of in both of these situations, though with my father it has always been of issue. With Dobbin, it took me completely by surprise. My mother wasn't too wary of him, either. There was always that skepticism, yes, but I am often skeptical. And maybe it's not supposed to be a big deal. But it's a process, or some such utterance. I can only keep going, and sometimes I have to feel really sorry for myself and sleep a lot. Is this right? Who knows. I still have hope. Dobbin isn't the huge issue, really, but my father. My father's the one I may always have to deal with, or try to a certain extent. But Dobbin looms closer right now. Dobbin I chose to let into my life, at least to the point that I felt comfortable with, and then... there was no logic. I still want logic.
Which is an overarching problem in my life, I suppose.
I will be okay. I will be okay. I will be okay.
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ReplyDeleteYou can poke me in the face anytime. And I'd sit with you in the school cafeteria except they'd probably kick me out.
ReplyDeleteHere's the thing about Dobbin. We've all had it happen, and with some of us, multiple times. This is just your first, so you're learning how to work through it. I'm still working through some things at my age.
People come and go, in and out of your life, and not always pleasantly. I've had so-called friends I've invested years of friendship in, only to have them pull "a Dobbin" on me, to disappear or get completely uncommunicative all of a sudden. Well, I didn't change anything, I am who I am and didn't say anything offensive to them or rip them off or slander them somehow, so if they have some kind of problem with me, it's their problem, not mine.
But yeah, you still wonder what in the hell you did to make it happen.
Truth is, you didn't do anything to deserve the treatment you got. It just happened. Life is not always fair and to assume that it will be and that there will always be answers to these things is where we get in trouble.
Human beings are very complicated, which makes the fact that we can't easily figure each other out a GOOD THING, because if we could, it would mean we're all pretty basic and simple.
I don't want to be basic and simple, and I don't want other people to be that, but the trade-off is that we end up puzzled-to-death over human behavior and certain humans make an entire career out of just scratching the surface of the human psyche.
Why is your dad that way? Who the hell knows? I bet he doesn't know, so how are you and I going to figure it out? It just is what it is.
Some people have really cool dads who are there for them all day long, while some people don't have dads at all.
Some have in-between dads who pop-up now and then, and are manipulative and controlling. Actually, a lot of people have those kind of dads. I bet you could toss a baseball into a crowd at the mall and hit one.
Why did Dobbin do what he did? I bet he doesn't even know. It just is what it is, which is beginning to sound trite and cliche, but it's important because although answers would be nice, they may not even exist. So the next step may very well be learning to accept and move-on.
Sorry, stupid Blogger posted the same comment twice because it was being glitchy, thus I deleted the first one.. that's all it was.
ReplyDeleteKatharine Katharine . . . I don't understand how you could be alone at school. Those people must be crazy, because in every interaction I've ever had with you, I've never felt you were anything but a lovely, smart, kind, and charming human being. As I've said before, I'm not the best at making friends either so I have no advice to give, but I just want you to know that you are amazing <3
ReplyDeleteMaybe one day in the future we will magically meet and we can hang out and it will be awesome. I don't know.
Here I am, arriving for regularly scheduled WAY TOO LATE comment-fest-visit to your blog! I know I'm behind here, and I don't want to make you focus on SAD TIMEZ, but in my experience these sort of feelings don't really go away. They just sort of go into hibernation and then pop up at the worst possible moments.
ReplyDeleteI hate going to events. Because I'm always alone and I can never think of good way to make friends. It used to get me down. And I'd like to say that I saw the Error of My Ways and became the Ultra-Outgoing-Friend-Making-3000 but the truth is, I just sort of learned to be alone. But it still sucks sometimes. A lot of the time. How's that for helpful!?! (sorry)
Also, I've been thinking we should switch our focus from YOU to DOBBIN. Because, YOU did nothing wrong. And YOU did not deserve to be treated the way you were. Therefore, I can only assume that there is something wrong with DOBBIN. Thus, it is really BETTER things ended, because if there's one thing you don't need, it's to be pulled through the mud be someone CRAZY (dobbin). His problem, his loss!
As for the d-a-d issue...beh. I am probably the last person suited to be giving advice on this situation. That or I'm the BEST person. Hmm. All I can say really is that you have a right to your feelings. And you shouldn't have to play mediator. You have a right to speak honestly, and again, YOU did nothing wrong. So you don't need to worry about being The Perfect Daughter. Because you already are. THAT SAID. I know how it goes. You prepare this eloquent monologue in which you really sock it to him, then you see him. And you try not cry and all of a sudden you're quoting the Constitution. Or was that just me?? So not my proudest moment. *cringe*
HUG!!