Following lunch today, I entered Psychology class for the first time and found a seat. And a few minutes later, Dobbin entered as well. I almost wasn't surprised. Terrible irony follows me. Then, of course, we were all asked to stand at the front of the class and speak about ourselves for sixty seconds. He was sitting front and center. Best sixty seconds of my life. Obviously. I read from my notes and shook a lot. I refuse to look at or acknowledge him in any way. Obsessive notes: the two times I've spoken and clapping has been expected, he has clapped. The three times he's spoken and clapping has been expected, I have not clapped. I have looked the other way or acted as if he didn't exist. This is my approach in general. Or I'm trying. Whether this is the right approach is something I'm unsure of. Is there even a right way? I'm so confused.
This stuff is so hard. It isn't like I really want to look at him. But my bubble regarding him is being seriously invaded. And of course, all I want to do is scream at him. But it's over. It's over. This has been over for longer than it existed, but in my defense: I sat next to the guy for almost eight months before this happened. Also just because. It makes me angry that I have to be mature about this, that I can't yell or give him the finger or something. But I don't do stuff like that. I am somewhat irrational in thought, rational in action, and it drives me crazy.
I wish I could yell. I wish it were allowed. But I'm the bigger person or something.
One cool thing, though: many of my peers said they considered themselves nerds when they spoke.
Tomorrow I leave work early for my appointment with my counselor. Need to work out better times. Work is good. I think. I'm enjoying it, though it's kind of scary. Friday is also the day staff/teachers are allowed to wear jeans, but only with a "spirit shirt," and I don't own one yet. Oh well. Next week, maybe. "Fancy" clothes are kind of fun, if a bit uncomfortable sometimes.
I do not understand math, and we're still on review. It is scary. My Economics teacher makes it seem interesting. I have to read a boring thing for AP English by Wednesday. Supposedly we're destined to fail but he's grading on the bell curve to show us how it works... so maybe I won't fail? I hope not. Teachers are really nice to me. Work chitchat is weird in that it's a bit fake, but somehow uplifting. By saying "I'm good thank you, how are you?" I can sort of trick myself into believing it. And often I am good. Anyway. It's distracting, in a good way. So far. Watched a cheesy video in Physics. We gained a student in Career Prep who I've always found really nice; she was in my English class last year and is in there this year, as well.
That felt like a really weird paragraph.
And I need to do other things ahhhh SAT standardized tests college other stuff. I feel like I have to make the subjects taboo for the moment, or else drive myself up the wall. Taking things one thing at a time is difficult for me.
*ANGER AT DOBBIN'S PRESENCE*
ReplyDeleteTo alter a quote from the Big Bang Theory, "Irony, thou art a heartless bitch".
A word about the SAT: If you are smart to begin with and a good test taker, I wouldn't worry myself overmuch. Yes, they are a big thing, but doable. <3
Men are great. Men are swell. We need them to ensure the continuation of our species. BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN I LIKE THEM. hmph.
ReplyDeleteIt's funny how wearing jeans day after day makes you hate denim...but work in a Fancy Clothes Recommended place for a little while and you start dreaming about that how good it would feel to have that stuff confining your legs again.
And the SATs...okay. I am not an imbecile, but I'm definitely not a genius, either. I didn't study at all and scored WAY above average. I think you'll ace it. If not, you can always take it again. I feel like the SAT is more a test of how well you take tests, than a real measurement of knowledge. So don't stress out too much!